Overheard in San Diego…
Last updated: June 30, 2011
While watching the cast of “American Idiot” perform at the Tonys: (Sighing) I’d give anything to see Carol Channing come down a staircase right about now… I’d sell my feet. – Jordan
I was curious about when the rapture was going to occur, because I thought if it was soon, and I didn’t have to cast Hairspray, then that would be fine. – Desha
Discussing eating ostrich and other exotic meats: I’ll eat anything, because I don’t think it’s fair to pick on the poor cows and chickens just because they’re ugly. – Dave
On Junior Theatre: Contrary to popular belief, we don’t run on cookies and rainbows. – Desha
I’m going to Fashion Valley. I need to feed my soul. – Richard
Yeah, you probably shouldn’t be in children’s theatre if you can’t at least fake encouragement. – Gayle
After I’ve been at the bar, and I come home drunk, that’s when I do all of my work. – Richard
Regarding Cosmopolitan magazine: I read some of the stuff in there you’re supposed to be doing to men, and I was like… that would put me in the hospital. There’s dangerous stuff in there, and it’s right next to the good stuff. There should be risk-analysis on those things. – Phillip
After telling her about how petite my sister Lisa is: She’s like a Shetland person! – Catherine
Glitter is like the herpes of crafts supplies. It never goes away. – Vander
Gayle: It’s a children’s book; some kid keeps eating pink cupcakes and then she turns pink. Cashae: (gasp) That’s my life!
So… I made a joke at rehearsal about Guantanamo Bay… and I’m not sure it was well received. – Desha
Discussing the incomprehensibility of Michael Jackson fathering children: It’d be like having sex with a Praying Mantis… who’s molting. – Romany
Gayle: I don’t need any more gay men… I’ve got about all the gay men I can take. Richard: There should always be more gay men… Gayle, there are women in Africa with no gay men.
Richard: Speaking of S&M… Desha: Oh, if I only had a nickel…
Giving a speech at her second wedding: She asked me if I was in love, and I said: I don’t know anything about being in love – I was married for 32 years! – Linda
People who don’t serve alchohol at their weddings are just asking for a doomed marriage. – Richard Have no fear – Linda and Mike DID serve alchohol.
Debating whether or not to see a show: Gayle: I don’t know… I am curious about it. Desha: I’m like, ‘Youtube curious’ – like, I’d like to be able to see a clip of it, but turn it off if it gets too bad.
A lot of gay men – if you made them inanimate – they could pass. – Richard
Speaking facetiously for me: There’s very little I wouldn’t do for sex, but there’s even less I wouldn’t do for money. – Desha
Desha: I gotta work early tomorrow – there’s a staff meeting at 8:30. Gayle: Good Lord – what the hell for, that you have to get in that early? Desha: I don’t know… Maybe someone’s getting fired. If it’s me, I can go back to bed.
Anxiety makes you lose weight – panic is like, the best diet ever. – Matt A.
Oh my God, we’re in Irvine. How the hell did that happen?. – Richard
While helping me hang pictures in my apartment: Gayle: Desha – you’re a real pal. Desha: You know, the last time you said that, I was measuring your ass.
While discussing our different tastes in Mochas: Desha: You like your chocolate like you like your men: dark and bitter… Whereas I like mine white and stupid. Gayle: I think “White and sweet” is what you mean there… Desha: (with affected accent) I like my coffee like I like my men: stupid… I think I’m just gonna start saying that.
Last night I was trying to do “I Would Die 4 U” at the same time as doing “2 Legit 2 Quit” with my other hand, and… It’s impossible. – Richard Followed by 10 minutes of Desha, Richard and Romany trying to do exactly that, before concluding that, yes, it is indeed impossible.
When it comes down to it… Anytime we fall even a little bit in love, we become a little bit sick. – Desha
Regarding the benefits of pretending to be Canadian while abroad: Well, technically, we’re not bombing anyone either – we’re just sitting here eating cheese. It’s really annoying going out in the world and suddenly I’m the asshole. – Romany
You’re both consenting adults – you can go find a place to have sex. – Desha
Upon hearing that I wouldn’t be receiving severance pay from TE, but would probably receive a bonus: They’re better at charity than justice. – Sonya (my therapist, bless her)
To Richard, who has been unconsciously bouncing/dancing to Mama Mia: It’s inherent in your heartbeat, disco is. – Desha
During a sentimental group-hug: Zicciah: This is so sad – it’s like the Series Finale of a TV show… Romany: Oh come on – you just know we’re gonna do “The College Years.” 02/16/08
During a discussion of our HG Theatre ghost stories: Will: I saw the ghosts last night, and they were really nice to me. Berto: Yeah – they were, like… givin’ him strawberries and shit. 02/18/08 – the Closing Party
They’re downstairs looting, by the way… Just thought you should know. – Desha, 02/17/08
That’s why I came down here – so I could get back on the goddamn board (the Overheard page). I’m tired of having to scroll all the way down the page. – Justin, 02/17/08
Hey, watch it, there’s a lady present – Jen’s here. – Gayle, 02/17/08
We talk with people and then we talk about them. It’s what we do. – Desha, 02/17/08
I was like the older brother he had to keep things from… Richard was his gay mentor. Sometimes he just wanted too much attention – I was like “Leave me alone, that’s what Richard is for.” – Justin, 02/17/08
I just don’t wanna be sitting there, having awkward whiskey. – Romany, 02/16/08
In reference to my outfit, two days after John Edwards suspended his campaign: I see you’ve gone to purple… You don’t think it’s too soon? – Jen
Regarding his Video Camera: Gayle: I can take it home to see how it works… Is there anything recorded on there? Check to see that there’s nothing pornographic. Duane: Lemme see… There a really good chance that there is…
Berto: What is it that Mel Gibson says at the end of “Braveheart?” Robbie: …Ouch?
Regarding possible emotions at the closing of TE: Gayle: I don’t know if I’ll cry, actually. Lydie: I’ll try to cry… Like, I’ll try to think of a lot of sad things.
To Zicciah: You did that the other night at dinner… Instead of talking about yourself, you just sat there thinking about yourself all night. – Gayle
Also to Zicciah: Do you think you’ll ever get sick of yourself? – Kelsey
I like films that make me cry – I like to be emotionally manipulated. – Jen
Gayle: She was being polite. Of course, you wouldn’t know anything about that. Zicciah: I’m sorry, I wasn’t listening… What?
After a highly publicized incident involving one of the tigers at Shambala: We were hoping OJ would walk into court with a gun or something… Just so we’d no longer be the lead story on the news. – Mom
Gayle: Uh! You have your photo album? That’s so unfair – Mom gave that to you just because you’re married. Lara: No, I borrowed it for some reason or another, and I just didn’t give it back. It’s called “Snatch and grab.”
Regarding the folks at godhatesamerica.com: I really want to see their expressions when they have to face God. – Desha
Well… At least the mail carriers will know. That’s the way I look at postcard mailings – advertising for Postmen. – Jen
To Gayle: You went to bed at 10pm? What the hell is goin’ on? Is it the Apocalypse already? – Charles
The day after the Halloween party: Dane: How’s your head? Amanda: Oh – I don’ t do hang-overs.
Tom: (Holding a card and pen and preparing to write) Wait – what is this for again? Kelsey: Coralita. Her Mom passed-away. Tom: Okay. So… “Clever” is out…
Pedophelia is almost never funny. – Duane
Desha: When I get married, I’m not going to be an obnoxious, demanding Bride. Gayle: It’s okay if you are… Brides are forgiven. Desha: Look – I’ve put up over a hundred shows… I just don’t see what could be so stressful about a wedding. Gayle: Well, yeah that’s true – and this would have like, a maximum cast of 10-15… The sets would already be built… And you don’t have to worry about anyone getting off-book… Desha: Yeah. And you don’t have to deal with Equity.
Regarding the movie “King Arthur:”
I stopped seeing a girl when she said she loved that movie… I thought: “Mental note; the sex is not good enough to sustain this relationship.” – Zicciah
Walking through at intermission:
I spent $30,000 at NYU for this. – Dane
Not all of life’s decisions are life and death – it’s actually the in-betweens that are a bitch. – Gayle
I’ve been to seven weddings this year, and I have to say… Mine was my favorite. – (Mrs.) Jen (Hunter)
I’m always the set-up… Never the punchline. – Amanda
It’s only “Whoring” if you don’t like it. – Dane
Desha: So, I was watching a “Lifetime” movie the other day… Gayle: Oh God… Nothing good ever follows that phrase.
Zicciah: Gayle, would you have a threesome with me and Kelsey? Gayle: (Laughter) Zicciah: What about a foursome?
Zicciah: Amanda, would you have a threesome with me and Kelsey? Amanda: (Uncomfortably silent…) Zicciah: I would do anything you wanted… Anything. Kelsey: Or… We could just casually make-out…?
Via a late-night Email debate:
anyway, it’s a goddam struggle that can go on forever, gayle, trust me, trying to catch up on over a hundred years of film, even just the ‘classics’, is quite a task, especially trying to do it chronologically because all these bastards reference earlier works, because, hey, it was easy in mid-century paris, you only had half of this shit to deal with and you got fucking langlois showing half the goddam catalogue at the cinematheque francaise for these kids at no charge a pop, while we’re stuck with amc20 for $10 a new texas chainsaw massacre. bastards are trying to keep us ignorant so we’ll watch more reality tv. that shit is old news, just retro mainstream. well, anyway, this seems to have spun off into meaningless digressions… glad you liked breathless. even more glad you forgot you had after hours. ciao. – Tom
People are always violating my happy face. – Gayle
No – she’s wrong. I don’t care if she turns out to be accidentally right… She’s still wrong. – Desha
Zicciah: Guys don’t do that. Gayle: You and Keith do it… Zicciah: Keith and I are not a good example of “Guys.”
I love Wikipedia… It’s like IMDb for life. – Desha
After “The Hustler” ‘I love you Eddie’ scene:
Thank God for fade-outs… Who knows how the hell he got out of that conversation. – Gayle
After a woman who’s been standing at the window walks away:
Oh – she’s pregnant… That’s why I’m attracted to her. – Zicciah
From 2004, about the movie “Troy,” and the liberties it takes with Greek Mythology:
Miller: Basically, Clytemnestra is going to get a very, very sad telegram… Gayle: No! Agamemnon dies? Vince: Yep. House of Atreus? Off-the-hook!
Amanda: From the title of the recipe… it’s supposed to be “Better than Sex Cake.” Richard: We all agreed that it’s better than some sex… We’ve all had sex that didn’t measure up to this cake.
Discussing the surge in literacy from the Harry Potter books:
Gayle: Isn’t it great that little kids are standing in line at midnight for a book? Brian: Yeah… It’s too bad they’re all white and named ‘Chad.’
I’ve seen “The Shawshank Redemption…” I know how to do this shit. – Desha
I’m going out with friends tonight, and it’s Pride weekend, so I’m gonna be as gay tonight as I can be without having sex with a man. – Richard
Gayle: It’s interesting that you both know exactly how many people you’ve had sex with. Zicciah: Yeah, we agreed that we’d both feel really bad about ourselves if we didn’t at least keep track.
I know… It’s like: “I’m not a Dirty Little Whore, but I want to be your Dirty Little Whore, and your Dirty Little Whore only.” – Desha
Speaking for Candace Bergen:
I’m much more glamorous and fabulous than you will ever be… Keep your Emmys! – Richard
Zicciah: It’s just a depressing thought. Gayle: Only because you’re thinking about it.
If I tried to make “Lumpia” it would just end up being called “Chimichanga.” – Berto
This show eats away at my soul. – Richard
I’ve driven a number of women to God… I’m like an angel that way. – Brian
Regarding teenage angst over the casting of shows at Junior Theatre:
Whatever… They can write evil blogs about me – I don’t care. – Desha
I just can’t stand to be constrained in any way… Like, if I were a superhero, my arch-nemesis would be something to do with that… A straightjacket would be my kryptonite. – Brian
At a pool party, and cheerfully said:
This isn’t gonna be good… He’s gonna get hit in the face with a big wet ball. It’s gonna hurt. It’s gonna sting. It’s not gonna end well. – Lara
Brian: We’ve always been flirty – there’s always been sexual tension. We fight all the time because of all the sexual tension. Gayle: I don’t think so, Brian. We could have all the sex in the world, and we’d still fight. Brian: Well, I think we should look into that.
Repeatedly, throughout watching the Harry Potter movies:
That is just so unsafe for children. – Richard
That is when the crush starts… It’s like they’re in this box, and then you start putting them into other boxes, and then suddenly there is no box. – Desha
Brian: And then in ten years we’ll get married. Gayle: Ten years? I’m not gonna be waiting to get married in ten years. Brian: Okay, five years. Gayle: I’m gonna be forty in five years! Brian: I’ll give you the sperm for the baby before that…
Sometimes I can be brutal… But there are certain people – just by virtue of their behavior – who have to be sacrificed for the sake of comedy. – Brian
The only way that movie (“Ocean’s Eleven”) could be hotter is if Jude Law or Mark Wahlberg were in it… And then I just wouldn’t be able to handle it. – Richard
So Gayle… We should go out tonight, have some drinks, and make some bad decisions. – Duane
I liked it… So don’t wanna ever do heroin… But so wanna hang-out with Scottish people who do. – Kevin
Brian: So, are you and me gonna cut a rug at the wedding? Gayle: I’m not sure there’s even gonna be a dance-floor or music or anything… Brian: Doesn’t matter. You and me’ll just start dancing in the middle of everyone on our own. Gayle: Okay… Like, just start dancing to Prince… Like, “Head” or something from memory? And just time it right, like… “1, 2, 3 – left foot first?” Brian: Actually, if we really practice it, we could even do something with a difficult time-signature like “When Doves Cry.” And people would know, you know… Someone would be like: “What are they doing?” And they’d be like: “They’re dancing to ‘When Doves Cry.'”
God. Salt is so good… It’s just so much better than vegetables. – Richard
A world without Gayle is just not worth getting clean for. – Michelle
Duane: I’m gonna leave it all out there tonight, Gayle… There’s gonna be nothing left of me after the show. Gonna give it all to them. Gayle: I know Duane… You’re gonna give it your all, because… You’re a professional. Duane: That’s right. Gayle: People don’t know all you give – they just have no idea what kind of sacrifices are required of a life in the Theatre… Duane: Yeah… For instance, I only got a 2-hour nap today.
Regarding the adult-themed “Overheard” page:
It made me sad that I’m not represented… I need to start saying obscene things. Just throwing them out there… Awkwardly. – Lydie
Is that girly? Pink, scented poo-bags for my puppy? – Kris
I think in another life, Kris was a Madame in a very exclusive whorehouse. – Desha
She keeps having people she doesn’t like getting in touch with her… And, by “People she doesn’t like,” I mean Mexicans… And I feel kinda bad about that. – Desha
Via Email:
I said something brilliant today. You’ll like it: “Does he drool, wear a helmet, or have bed guards? No…? Okay then, set me up.” – Kimmie
It’s a very Jewish Episode of “Quotes With Gayle.” – JT
JT: Did he just say shit? Gayle: No – actually it was more like “Shiite.” Kris: Actually, he said “Shitty Shiite.” JT: I thought he said the Holocaust wasn’t real.
Kris: Earlier today I was wishing I was Jewish. JT: What – you wish you were even more persecuted? Kris: It’s just I was on this website and there were the cutest little yarmulkes I’ve ever seen.
If you were homeless, you’d be home right now. – Keith
I’ve figured-out why I got all that acting-training – because it certainly wasn’t to act… It was to be able to maintain a supportive, neutral face during children’s auditions. – Desha
I’m not officially engaged yet, there’s just a woman I like full-time now. – Duane
I didn’t even notice, and I have a horribly dirty mind. – Gayle
If I were you, I would threesome me and Bill… Hell, if I could threesome with me and Bill I would… And I’m not saying that just to get another stickie. – Keith
Gayle: I made a Prince mix for tonight, because we just never have enough Prince. Richard: Amen.
They took out the cussing and the dildos… Which sorta ruined it. – Tomasz
Tomasz: Tonight’s performance is like a piece of glass in a Green Bean Casserole? Richard: In the Green Bean Casserole of Theatre, yes.
She could have said it was Harry Potter and the Booger of Doom, and they would have been excited. – Jen
I gotta go to the restroom. Can I get you anything? Toilet-seat cover…? – Lydie
What’s funny is that when you said you hate the “Unexpected Error,” I thought you said you hated the “Unexpected Guest.” So I’ve been sitting here thinking about what you could possibly have against the Prophet Elijiah. – JT
Observing while shopping at IKEA:
The Swedes are like the Japanese of the white people. – Dane
About his and Zicciah’s special relationship:
We’re “Men” in the Classical Greek sense. – Richard
For the record, in our mock election, I was the only one who voted for Clinton. The rest of my friends voted for Bart Simpson. – Zicciah
You’re like a Vampire… Or an Artist. Depending on how you look at it. – Lydie
It’s like, the coolest record store in San Diego, Gayle – how can you not know about it!?! Do you even LIKE music, Gayle?!?!? – Tomasz
I’m more of a Sorority Lesbian. That’s just way more fun. – Kelsey
I’m very familiar with celebrity nudity. I’m devoted to it. – Zicciah
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful. Hate me because I think I’m superior because of it. – Dane
I looked up “Whore” in the dictionary, and found out that it’s impossible for a man to be one, but it is possible for a man to go “whoring.” The examples were the best part: “Whoring: transitive verb; Tom spent his night drinking and whoring.” – Tomasz
Brad Pitt is attractive. I’d be a “bottom” for Brad Pitt. – Zicciah
Who does like Andrew Lloyd Webber? I mean – other than the masses? – Gayle
I would have punched him in his shit… He’s just lucky that I spent all day yesterday at the day spa. – Keith
Don’t we all sit at weddings critiquing what they did wrong? Or – am I the only one who does that? – Judy (Michelle’s Mom)
The following from my Nephew, contributed by Lara: Michael: (practicing giving an IQ Test on Alec) Why do we put stamps on envelopes? Alec:To pay the Postal Workers’ salaries… Well actually, that’s why we buy them. We put them on our mail so the Postal Workers will take our mail and not throw it away.
I can’t talk about sex in a Family Restaurant. – Lydie
She said it makes her feel like a cheap whore… Which I thought was what she liked. – Lydie
She’s probably the hottest dwarf I’ve ever seen. – Zicciah
Well… From what I read in “In-flight” magazines… Berlin is IN. – Tomasz
I find it totally disgusting and unattractive that you would purposefully sleep with a girl in every State. I would accidentally, but still… – Kelsey
Can you imagine? I mean – of all the places to die, man… Milwaukee. – Tomasz
So… what are you asking – does cannibalism count as self-defense? – JT
Kelsey: I like your black shoes. Lydie: (blank stare) Kelsey: Sorry… African-American shoes?
Berto: Herpes doesn’t last forever – it goes away after like, seven years. Gayle: Berto, that’s bad credit!
I’m trying to decide if I’m in love with that girl across the street. I think I am. Oh… No I’m not. – Zicciah
Gayle: Everything happened while I slept. Desha: I think there’s a lesson in there somewhere.
I was in such a fucked-up space, I had to mentally detox. – Romany
That’s the cutest little example of excrement I’ve ever seen! – JT (Explanation: peeandpoo.com)
Desha: Keith, you need to start a show: “Straight Eye for the Straight Guy.” Keith: Yeah – “Metro for the Het’ro.”
You know, comedy is the only way I can take the news seriously anymore. – Tomasz
I think your signature would make a cool tattoo. Can I get your signature tattooed on my butt? – JT
Kris is “Goy” now – somebody fingered his “A.” – Keith
JT: Oh – it says here that this medication produces “Abnormal ejaculation.” Gayle: Well, that’s the end of your porn career. Tomasz: Or the beginning of it!
I was raised by my sisters, so of course I’m gonna care if your handbag matches your belt. – Keith
Divorced men are the new Pink. – Desha
JT: I think – across gender lines – we should just celebrate the ass. Melissa: “Dove” should do a beauty campaign. JT: Or “Caress” (with hand on ass) “Caress – before you dress.”
It makes it really difficult for me to care about you, because you’re so busy caring about you… there’s no room left for me. – Desha
I was on the “My-Boyfriend-Dumped-Me-Diet,” which consisted of me drinking a lot of alcohol. – JT
Richard: Are there any plastic baggies here? Crissy: Why – do you have moist panties or something?
Story of my life – “Unavailable” is calling. – Jen
It’s nothing a little liquor can’t solve. – Kris
Don’t say anything filthy – my mic is on. – JT
I just got an Email from a “Dr. Double-Your-Dick”… and I don’t think I know anyone by that name. – Duane
What do you mean “Take advantage of her?” I wouldn’t tell her that I loved her if that’s what you mean. – Zicciah
I’m all for religious-ness and shit… – J.T.
They’re not heckling, they’re just black. – Dane
Kris: Isn’t it that “Gay” weekend? You know, that “Pride” thing? Gayle: That’s “Gay Pride Weekend,” Kris. What kind of a queer are you?
It takes a village to keep a diva going. – Dane
Keith: (Reading) Bush hired a family member to run the FDA. JT: Is it one of the twins?
I was thinking about going down to New Orleans to help out, but then I thought… You know… Zombies. – JT
You know, the point is to get to the end of the show. If I hadn’t said that line, we might still be standin’ there. – Duane
That’s why I’m gonna become a dictator of a small country, get my own military, and take care of all that. I’m going to have a diamond mine Gayle, and then you can have all the diamonds you want! – Kris
I’m sorry Gayle – there are breasts at the window. No one’s listening to a word you’re saying. – Zicciah
Perhaps that was why he was “The Last Samurai” – because the white man came. – Dane
Do you think I have anorexia? (Pause, as he laughs) I meant to say dyslexia. – Zicciah
When you’re talking about intensity of orgasms, it’s like… Why are people so greedy? – Gayle
Kris: You can do anything in this microwave, Gayle… Anything. Gayle: Can you toast in it? Kris: (Pause) Uhh… I don’t know.
Where’s the man in the trench coat who’s gonna take me to Hell? Why can’t I be a superhero? – J.T.
He started giving them his “Wild Theory” – either that or he was giving them directions – but it seemed like a “Wild Theory…” – Dane
I can’t tell if he’s gay or… Latin. – J.T.
I wanna make our relationship work Gayle, and if that means I just shut-up… then fine. – Josh
I have stretch-marks on my psyche. – Desha
I was turning it from a riff to a rumor… Then I was gonna make it a lie. – J.T.
There’s only so much Slug Soup you can eat. – Chris H.
I kept getting my crotch grabbed – and that doesn’t happen at straight clubs. – Kris
Richard: I don’t know what color to call this… Gayle: It’s green. Richard: I’m looking for a gay color, Gayle. Gayle: Oh. Then it’s ‘Chartreuse.’
Zicciah: It’s like looking at the One dollar bill and seeing things you’ve never seen. Crissy: There’s a One dollar bill?
What this company needs is a proper Rasputin. – J.T.
Gayle: But, do you really want to date an actor? Desha: No! I want to date an Accountant!
J.T.: That girl did not need to be naked. Robbie: Yes she did. You always need a naked girl.
Porn is very personal. – Justin
Justin: June is a difficult month for sex. Richard: It’s the gloom of June.
Richard: As we said goodbye, we kissed… You know, alone and in the bathroom… Kristofor: What, did you mistake it for the front door?
I play with other people’s things, but I don’t, like… probe them. – Kris
Like, if this was a dick, I would be like… What the Fuck. – Richard