During the "Tickle-Me Elmo" craze:
If I'm gonna pay that much for a doll, it better be 'Suck Me, Fuck Me Elmo.' Better be 'Clean My Car Elmo...' 'Make me a Bacon-Egg Sandwich Elmo...' 'Fuck my wife when I'm too tired Elmo, but don't enjoy it too much Elmo, or I'll kill you Elmo.'
- Brian, NYC - Christmas 1996
Some Chick: I'm just so misunderstood...
Frank: You wish you were misunderstood... We all get you.
- Fall 1993
We need to talk about 'Us?' There is no Us... There's you, there's me, and there's a long pause in-between. Read the stage-directions!
- Kimmie, Winter 1994
Outgoing answering machine message, surreptitiously recorded:
Hi, Gayle's not here right now... Now's your chance to get a word in edgewise.
- Miller, Summer 1996
The day after a woman had been caught masturbating (Seriously.) in the audience:
Matt: We've decided to work it into our Marketing: 'Triple Espresso - come again!'
JT: 'Triple Espresso - everyone's comin'!'
I know, it's irritating. You want to say to them 'You have no right to break-up with me - I didn't even like you!"
- Lisa, Fall 1991
Alec: I'm not going to eat until Christmas.
Gayle: Really? Well, that's a long way away... It's the 19th, so that's six days from now. Six days is a pretty long time.
Alec: Well... Maybe I'll have a salad.
- 2000 (?)
Sandy: Gayle, Jenn... There's a fire truck downstairs in the loading zone...
JT: Whoah - what's the matter?
Sandy: Oh, nothing, they're buying tickets...
Gayle: Oh - is there a problem? Do they need me in the Box Office?
Sandy: No. Girls... You're not understanding me... There are firemen downstairs... Come see!
- Sometime, 2001 (Sandy... We miss you.)
About how to get a relationship off the ground:
Sooner or later you've gotta meet over the emergency brake.
- Lara, Spring 1995
After Desha's first (attempted) break-up with Roger:
Sonja: This is for the best - it just makes you ready for someone else who's out there for you.
Gayle: But... What if there isn't anybody else?
While taking me on a tour of the Village:
Next we'll go to Washington Square Park. You can buy drugs there.
- Tim, Fall 1996
We always open - we like prison.
- Guy at King's Deli - Queens, Christmas Night, 1996
Gayle: I don't know if she's ready to date him - he might be a little intense for her. I mean, we know he's got handcuffs...
Desha: Yeah, but he doesn't have a headboard.
- Fall, 1993
Gayle: (While ironing his shirt ) Rob, you really should learn how to iron a shirt...
Rob: This is how I iron a shirt... I just mess around with it for awhile until some girl walks by and does it for me.
Those are the type of girls who are going to wake up tomorrow morning saying: 'Who are you, and where are my shoes?'
- Brian, Spring 1997
Gayle, I came up with a title for your memoirs: "Never Before Noon."
- Miller, 1997
I'm just really emotional right now... Today I changed long-distance companies for absolutely no reason. The guy just seemed so concerned about me...
- Desha, Spring 1995
Explaining what happened in the 'Stonewall Riots':
Well, it was the day Judy Garland died... Or the day of her funeral, I don't remember... ...So, when the cops started hassling them, they just said: 'Oh no... Not today. Judy is dead, and I have had it!' (Pauses, drags on cigarette) Leave it to a Queen to put things in perspective.
- Matt, September 13th, 2001
They had and axe, and an ostrich... Really, that's all you need.
- Marc, Summer 2002
I have no patience for people who tell me crazy lies!
- Richard, Sometime in 2003
You should celebrate it like the Mayans - paint some kids blue... throw 'em in a well...
- Quinn
I like a smoothie that slaps me around a little.
- Romany
Just look what they've done to Oakland - it's a bombed-out shell of a city!
- Jen, the week the Raiders played the Superbowl in SD